sick irish jokes

Here, you'll find everything from hike and drive guides to funky places to stay and more! Two paddies were working for the city public works department. But, where is Mr. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language, so after a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Love Irish jokes. The doctor told him there is a simple informal test that paddy could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. 6. Share to Twitter. It's important to have a good vocabulary. P.S Dont forget to like our Facebook page on Irish jokes, Categories Ireland, Irish Humor, Irish Jokes, Irish Memes, Irish Pictures, Irish Poem: To A Child Dancing In The Wind, By W. B. Yeats, Incantata, By Paul Muldoon An Irish Poem About A Friend And Their Strength. 87 Coronavirus And Quarantine Jokes To Retrain Your Face To Smile. How do I get to the other side of the river?, shouted one lad to the other. He wakes the Irishman up and asks, Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four? The Irishman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00 and goes back to sleep. But it was a shiny silver wall that opened and closed magically that really got their attention. When the train came out of the tunnel, Julia Roberts and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened, and the Englishman had his hand against his face as if he had been slapped there. Here is your money .. The Irishman pockets the 500.00 and goes right back to sleep. "Oh, that's OK," says the nurse. How did you do it! Although youll find heaps of funny Irish jokes above, theresheapsof jokes that have been added by readers in the comments section. That's not how it works! Good heavens, Patrick, do you realize that if the other engine fails, well be here all night., Paddy drags a massive box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel, and as it was an old-style train, there were no lights in the carriages, and it went completely dark. This funny collection of friendly and good jokes, riddles and puns about sickness are clean and safe for children of all ages. One of the questions was How do you stir sugar into your tea?. One Last Shot. So, he shouted over to the lad digging the holes, I dont get it why do you dig a hole, only for the other lad to fill it in?, The lad wiped his brow and sighed deeply, Well, I suppose it probably does looks a bit odd. Without hesitation, the Irishman says: Never mind, I found one!. LoL! 2) Make sure that you have locked the bathroom door. One lad digging the holes. The Irishman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. After examining him, an Irishman goes to the doctor and says, "You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay. The famine started in 1845 and continued until 1852, which in historical terms, basically happened yesterday morning. Haha. I was afraid to be around all that dynamite when I saw how short the fuse was! Kids will laugh out loud when they hear these jokes about sickness! "Your brother was here and he's already named them. How on earth can the news get any worse. Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts in his hand. They then moved to the next street and did the same, working flat out all day without stopping. Only when hes been drinking, Sir.. This Irish joke will bring a smile . The green man runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a The joke is actually a reference to the Irish Potato Famine. Then there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. Our next hilarious Irish dirty joke is about an Irish couple. How come you can you never borrow a few quid from a leprechaun? Whether you're a doctor, nurse, medical or healthcare student, or another member of the healthcare force. Here are five of the very best Irish jokes that will get the whole bar laughing! Heres one for you Whats Irish and sits outside all day and night? The Irishman reaches in, picks the fly out, holds it up close to his face and shouts, Spit it out you little bastard.. Ive had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months .., This time, the priest questioned, Who IS this Fanny Green .. ?, A new woman in the neighbourhood, father, he replied. So do not take any personally!! So the doctor gives the man the tablets, and the patient asks, Do I have to take them every day? No, replies the doctor, take one on a Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that. They are both legless 3. It was offensive." The Jew pauses and replies "I guess you had to be there." . Pat and his son were totally amazed by nearly everything they saw. Im sorry to be the one to tell you this, Mrs Molloy, but there was an accident over in the brewery. Why do men find it so difficult to solve puzzles after taking Viagra? He then takes the last one in and does the same. What are dose? Ive had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months .., This time, the priest questioned, Who IS this Fanny Green .. ? A new woman in the neighbourhood, father, he replied. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. But the labour was so exhausting she falls asleep for 24 hours solid. Ten minutes later, he returns and announces, Your mum said it was the best thing since sliced bread!, Finally, Collins interrupts. I stir it in with my left hand, replied the first lad. Go home, Dad, youre pissed!, A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says cruises on Liffey River $100. Well, replied the doctor, You only have 3 days to live. "Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick. That does it, he shouted, Hunchback! Thats right, said the lawyer. But why are you asking? Wedding night Paddy says, But I definitely heard some fecker say. Wishes. He was only saved by Mick, who managed to pull him back into the boat. Irish jokes and banter are famousor infamous around the world for their dry, sarcastic style and often flat delivery. The other lad filling them in. Two lads were on opposite sides of the river Lee in Cork. Tell me, Paddy? Confused, the Forman asked, dont you mean the Sahara Desert?, A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, Get me a Guinness before it starts. The wife sighs and gets him a Guinness. Allie Hogan via Unsplash. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. God agrees and the man tells the joke. In case he got a hole in. you're going to laugh your socks off with these funny medical jokes. She was very attractive, but she had a hunchback. ( The average I.Q in USA went up by 50% ), @ Babs L "My boyfriend held my hand twice, kissed me three times and made love to me twice." "Daughter! My husband passed away last night.". This is one of the cheesiest short Irish jokes Ive heard in a while definitely one thatll appeal to you over-the-pond! Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Here is your money .. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capital), he met with some manufacturers and finally selected a line that he thought would sell well back home in Kerry. I was intimate with Fanny Green twice last month .. The priest told the sinner, You are forgiven .. Go out and say three Hail Marys.. Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. Two hours, later Paddy returned to the park to find the 500 euros in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as he had instructed. An hour or so later, the Englishman is plastered. But would you mind if I run it through my kidneys first?'. To Declan &. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'. Oh yeah, I bet I know now why you want the biggest one, he winked. Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together, and the first man asks, Do you think theyll serve any food on this cruise? Your first sentence is correct; however, your reason for the joke being funny is off. He says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir. The driver says, Are you sure? I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating. Not looking up from her knitting, the wife says: Now dont be silly dear, you know that this car doesnt have cruise control. As the garda writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, Cant you please keep your mouth shut for once? The wife smiles demurely and says, You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did. As the garda makes out the second ticket for the illegal use of a radar detector unit*, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, Woman, didnt I tell you to keep your mouth shut! The garda frowns and says, And I notice that youre not wearing your seat belt, Sir. No wonder you got it at half price, Mick laughed. "Waiter, my coffee mug is damaged.". Theres a dance over at the club, he said. He packed his bag that night and drove to Dublin. Give me a Dos Equis, por favor., The second was from Holland. Some are good while some leave a sour taste on the mouth. Easily offended? Sick Irish Jokes by Patrick Morrison | Goodreads Jump to ratings and reviews Want to read Buy on Amazon Rate this book Sick Irish Jokes Patrick Morrison 0.00 0 ratings0 reviews 50 pages, Paperback Book details & editions About the author Patrick Morrison 7 books1 follower Ratings Reviews Friends Following If you get any error, email us at contact@sickipedia.net. The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. By clicking "Accept", you agree to this and the sharing of information about your use of . The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the company with his axe and knocked on the Foremans door. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish. I think youll find its perfectly pleasant and does no one any harm. Irish puns are so O'ffensive! The redhead wished to be back home. Have a laugh with these silly Irish jokes Getty Images There is nothing the Irish like more than sitting around a cup of tea, or a pint and telling stories or a good joke. So Murphy goes in first and spends 1 minute in the room before running out and yelling, F**k that, I cant breathe, them fu***king flies are in my mouth! They didnt do it last year.. Well, I cant work in the friggin dark! said Murphy. In a normal tone, he asks Mary whats for dinner my lovely? No response so he moves closer 30 feet he says Mary whats for feckin dinner ?. Murphy says, There isnt a band playing tonight. . One of the best Irish jokes follows a flustered Irishman who wasn't able to find a parking space in a large mall's car park. Kelly is back and sees Mrs. O'Brien with 3 little ones walkin' and twins in a pram. Theres nothing to worry about, but we will be 15 minutes late inlanding at Gatwick. Disclaimer: I left themajorityof the more offensive Irish jokes to the end, but one of the lads sent me this in a text and I thought it was gas (Irish slang for funny)! Paddy says, underneath the shoe, it says Taiwan.. One would dig a hole, and the other would follow behind . Okay, see that giant redwood over there? said the Foreman. They misspelt my name, and here I have to correct it!, Paddy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the establishments finest single malt scotch. Following is our collection of funny Sick Irish jokes. With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, Mick measured out the tinsel and gave it to Mary. After hearing another Irish joke, Paddy said, "I'm sick of all of the Irish stereotypes. But this is a newsagents'. Leave 500 euros in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park in 2 hours time, Signed, Paddy from Cork. He pinned the note inside the little dogs collar and told the dog to go straight home. BOOOOOOs., A Cork man went for a job at the local stables. Yep. And that a football player sued that university when he graduated and still couldnt read? In the week before Christmas, she sauntered up to the counter and was trying to decide which of the many types of tinsel she would buy. The next night, Mick went round to Paddys to buy him a drink. Six Irish men were playing poker when one of them played a bad hand and died. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. And that a lady sued McDonalds for millions when she burned her tongue with that hot coffee that she ordered? Mick could hardly believe it. Its a cuckoo., Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, Ill go with cuckoo as my answer.. Pat, his wife and their 9-year-old son went shopping in Dublin for the first time. My girlfriend said, "I'm sick of it. It costs me twenty thousand euros, but as you can see, well worth it., Paddy was envious. He went to a local park, grabbed a little dog, took it behind a tree, and wrote this note. Soon after that, Another Irish man entered the confessional. So an Irish woman gives birth to twins, a boy and a girl. And then he saw a woman standing alone in the corner. The bug-eyed altar boy couldnt believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, No, Father, I think its just a Reflection from her shoes! The walls magically closed, and the boy and his father watched in amazement as the small numbers above the wall lit up sequentially. This is one of the best Irish jokes that Ive come across recently. Turn back from the path of sin!, What?! The other builders are wondering how he could afford it and start hassling the foreman, thinking he must be getting better pay. asks the attendant. Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the presidents office. Sick Day. Kim Bongiorno (@LetMeStart) March 16, 2011 what I think is gas, you might think is crap. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. Also my Mam visits this website, and I dont want her disowning me! Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again, Ill Chop his After examining him, an Irishman goes to the doctor and says. 101 Corny Jokes 1. If I had known the difference between the words 'antidote' and 'anecdote,' one of my good friends would still be alive. No, the man replied. What did he call the boy?". Father, he confessed, it been one month now since my last confession #2. Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts in his hand. After thinking for a considerably longer time, the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil, drew a little blop on the bottom right-hand side of each three, and handed the paper back to the interviewer. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: The interviewer returned the paper to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99. [quads id=1] A girl came home from a date. Pat had never been to Dublin and always lived in the countryside. Posted on Last updated: December 19, 2022. Youve got me, she giggled, Do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?, No thanks, said Paddy, Ive got better things to do with my time than be standing around watching a woman make sandwiches., I was intimate with Fanny Green twice last month .., The priest told the sinner, You are forgiven .. Go out and say three Hail Marys Who's there? So he walks up behind her and says Mary, can you tell me whats for dinner? The Irish pride themselves on their humor. He immediately sank and nearly drowned. Having zero potatoes would leave them without any food. Oh yes, it most certainly is, said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent, Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd, make a 100. You cant do that, says the Irishman. I may be up in years, but I still have my wits about me. Paddy and Joseph were walking home from Mulligans Irish bar on Halloween night. The man replies, Im Paddy OToole of no fixed abode.. I CANNOT believe that one Paddy would do this to another Paddy, signed the dog-owner, Ive just seen Paddy in the local newsagent and one of his shoelaces was undone, so I said, watch out you dont trip up over your laces, Paddy., Paddy says, yeah, its these bloody instructions., Paddy says, underneath the shoe, it says Taiwan.. The man was evidently offended and responded, The cheek, just because I order a pint of Guinness you assume Im Irish. They go SPLBLBLBLBT.. Bartender, give me the finest beer in the world, a Heineken., The third was the head of Guinness brewery at St. James Gate in Dublin. The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Share to Pinterest. Inside the bag was the following note If you open a space up for me, I swear Ill give up the Guinness and go to Mass every Sunday., Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Totally exasperated by now, the tourist asks, Parla Italiano? The men once again look at each other and then shake their heads in puzzlement. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman. He replies, Im Ben Riordain, and I live in the flat above Paddy!'. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. Where people seem to think all Irish people live. The foreman shouts: Paddy, go home. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. Sick Jokes. How in Heavens name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesnt build its own nest?. Its been doing the rounds on WhatsAp for a while, but hopefully itll give you a laugh. You will love our Coronavirus One Liner Jokes And Puns but firstly we would like to point out that the Coronavirus itself is no joke, it is serious and even deadly business. The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes, he was back knocking on the Foremans door. When they arrived, the nurse asked, How dilated is she, sir?. How do I leave?, The desk clerk says, Sir, thats absurd. *While it is legal to own a radar detector in the Republic of Ireland, it is illegal to use it. He packed his bag that night and drove to, Mick once again, and he could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken. He sees two old men sitting outside the pub enjoying their Guinness. The lawyer asks the first question. He moves closer about 20 feet. It got too warm in the cockpit so he switched off the fan! He wakes up the Irishman and hands him 500.00. Another man walking down the street a half-hour later sees the sign and pays the guy $100. 1. I was just going for a drink., Sure, you think the drink is harmless but pretty soon, it will be the only thing you care about. Well says Ben, If you had what I had youd drink them quickly, too. A large Canadian lumber company advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. Sick Irish jokes Item Preview remove-circle Share or Embed This Item. When the interview was over, the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. To get started with the Irish jig, follow these steps: 1) Serve people a lot of alcohol and. 8. No response so he moves closer 30 feet he says Mary whats for feckin dinner ?. Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. Wheres my husband? I just drive everywhere. Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard! he says. It's a pundemic. She nodded, and they got up to dance. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. . An Irishman was in New York patiently waiting to cross a busy street. When I was a kid, my family was very poorOne afternoon I remember my dad was preparing supper and was cutting up Onions and our whole family was crying. An Irish farmer was walking along the boundary between his and his neighbours fields when he spotted his neighbour carrying 2 sheep in his arms. Fifteen minutes later, he says, Get me another before it starts. She looks cross but fetches another Guinness and slams it down next to him. A short, clean joke that gets a laugh every time A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3. Of course, said the president. I always make money. Father, forgive I think its been a while since Ive been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be. 1. If people go past, I dont want them to see me drinking.. "Forgive me father for I have sinned," an Irish girl said. New man: I have to check, dont I? Rick-O-Shea. Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?. Thinking that he had been ripped off, he asked Paddy if he could have a look. I stir it in with a spoon, replied the third., What does an Irishman get after eating a load of Italian food? Sure, I rather have Parkinsons, replied Sean, Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!. Two Irishmen were sitting in a four-engined plane flying back from ashopping trip to Paris when thecaptains voice came over the loudspeaker. Paudie goes into a bar and orders seven shots of tequila and one Guinness. I think Ill go back to using paper.. 200, what do you say? It seems that his father, his grandfather, and his great grandfather, had all been able to walk on water on their 48th birthday. You are always pretending to be a Transformer!" I am not, the neighbour replied, Theyre both for me., An English lawyer was sat with his Irish client. Also please remember these are just jokes! Yes, this is another potentially offensive and dirty Irish joke involving sheep. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick." New man: Nope! Mick, from Dublin, appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire and, towards the end of the program, had already won 500,000 euros. The man from the window company called Miss OLeary on the telephone. The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: But that is not ninety-nine! Oh yes, it is, said the Irishman, Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety-nine., The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off, so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all; therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100. The president was happy to oblige. Youll never do it Paddy!, So Paddy goes in and spends a full 10 minutes in the room and comes out, Fu****g hell Paddy!!! Whiskey Q: Why did God invent whiskey? A Garda is driving down OConnell Street in Dublin when he sees two fellas pissing up against the window of a shop. On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. She yells at him, Is that all youre going to do tonight? The nuns gathered around her bed, trying to make her comfortable. Ill take 12 metres.. Declan extolled the pleasures of his smooth Irish whisky, while Mick reported that the turkey was the most delicious he had ever tasted. I say, tis a remarkable dong you have there, Paddy was prompted to remark. Best Irish Jokes: Paddy Does It Again. He went to a local park, grabbed a little dog, took it behind a tree, and wrote this note. Haha. I have also just published 5 fresh new Irish jokes here. Getting directions 3. So I packed up my stuff and right. Holocaust Joke. If you are the type of person who enjoys a good dose of Irish jokes, then this little collection will definitely crack you up. He invited her to sit down. I had to remove the battery from my carbon monoxide detector. The man replies, "I'm a hooker.". Where do you think youre going? asks the foreman. It wasnt that great, he said. So, what someone deems as funny Irish jokes is subjective i.e. Whats so special about him? asks Mary. Youre joking says the patient. Paddy and Joseph were walking home from Mulligans Irish bar on Halloween night. !, No she replied. Join here. So he walks up behind her and says Mary, can you tell me whats for dinner? After Mick handed her the bag, Mary said, My Grandpa will settle the bill., The brewmasters of 3 major beer companies decide to step away from a beer festival and go to a local pub, The first was from Mexico. If you enjoyed this post please pin the image below to your Pinterest board or share this on social media. After a few days of hassle, the foreman asks him what the story is. She isn't sick, I just think she can get better. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman. Paddy says: "Are you on foot or in the car?" Billy replies: "In the car." "Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy. Foreman: But how can you make money? Have you ever actually had a drink yourself?, Well of course I havent, what a ridiculous question., Then you dont know what youre talking about., I dont need to taste the demon drink to know that its evil!, Look, how about this - I will buy you a drink. Paddy and Murphy are on holiday in Santa Ponsa and are running out of money when they see a sign that reads: Spend 10 minutes in a room with a million flies and ear 2000. I cant stand this. and no kids. After the pints are placed onto the bar, three bluebottles drop into each mans freshly poured pint. From silly puns to pub jests, to funeral jokes, the Irish humor has something for everyone. She just looked at the president and said, Would you like to take my bet? Certainly, replied the president. Go home, squeeze seven lemons and drink it straight down," the priest said. A farmer!. Did you have a favourite from this list? He asks if God wants to hear a holocaust joke. Submit your . He arrived back up the stairs ten minutes later. Shite replied the barman What do you have? A tenner replied Ben.. Take your axe and go cut it down.. He disappeared without a tres. And now someone is suin dem fast food restaurants for makin dem fat an cloggin their arteries with all dem der burgers an fries, is that true? The bartender says, "Hey.". Thats an on-the-spot 60 euro fine. Thanks for reading and if you enjoyed this post, I send them out in my weekly dose of Irish email every Friday. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Did you hear about the Irish man who crashed his helicopter? If I ordered a bowl of pasta would you that make me Italian? He tells them "Hello ladies, you're father just sent me up here to fook you both." Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. Paddy and Mick are walking down the road and Paddy's got a bag of doughnuts in his . No, replies Paddy. From the one with the doctor that has good news for the patient, the news being that he has only 1 day to live, to the one with the three workers planting trees, and calling Mick an ambulance, you . "Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Funny Irish One-liners 'I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.' some short cheesy one-liner Irish jokes? Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appear to havefailed. Sean had long heard of the story of a family tradition. After the fortnight is up, he goes to collect his money. Whether you are looking to impress your Irish friend, or just trying to blend in Dublin, here is our selection of the best Irish jokes for everyday conversations. Funny Coronavirus Jokes. Best Irish Joke #1. "Lord," he prayed, "This is driving me mad. Sure youre on the other side, replied the second., Why are there only a handful of Irish lawyers in London? The Catholic said mine is powerful, the Buddhist said, no, mine is powerful. Sick Jokes. Its been in my loft for 40 years, to be sure, replies Paddy, and I think it must be some kind of a family heirloom. I see, says the expert. As he does so, two tees fall from his shirt pocket onto the ground. Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days, he said. ', Right, what do you call a bulletproof Irishman? 60. I felt SO much pressure to drink when I lived in the UK and New Zealand. That means that this is going to be an interesting article about some of the best Irish jokes ever and that is some of the best jokes in the world. A call from beyond the grave 1. She replies, "He's over in Rome. A furniture dealer from Kerry decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris, France, to see what he could find. Well, says the doctor, Ive been trying to get hold of you for the past 2 days.. How do they pee, then? asks the Englishman.